AFA fun

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Sarge is coming out

We always knew that the day would come when the mainstream comics would have to recognize the fact that gays exist (outside of that one lame gay guy who was Elizabeth's old boss on For Better or For Worse), but we really didn't think that it would happen with Beetle Bailey calling out Don't Ask/Don't Tell. Here's yesterday's installment:


Sarge has a dream about a topless "buff" Beetle, and then is nice to him all day, looking at him nervously from afar, as the solitary sweat drop tells us, but also confused by how strong his feelings are, as upwards pointing eyebrows tell us.

Mm-hmm, we know the feeling.

We would have let it go, if the very next day, this didn't happen:


Yes, Sarge, nervously stack those papers while avoiding the marriage question from your beard.

Oh, we hope that tomorrow Sarge starts to come out. That, of course, would make his constant violence towards Beetle far less funny.

Pure Life Ministries Repertory Theater

Oh hell yes.

Since there is absolutely no way to get enough stilted dialogue in our lives, we were so very pleased to find this little bit on our craziest-friends-ever's site. The let-down is that they're talking about watching a porno together.

Husband: Honey, not only will it enhance our lovemaking, but I won’t need to have a sex life separate from you. It will end all the sneaking around.

Wife: We are Christians, Jim, and this is wrong!

Husband: Wrong? I know of Christian therapists who suggest couples use it to improve their sex lives. How can that be wrong?

Considering that real people don't talk like this to each other while having sex, ever, we can only assume that the playwright has never had sex.

Or that she's never actually talked to anyone before.

Awaiting year's best penis joke

We're waiting here over the next few days for a copy editor at one of the major news outlets to mess up on a piece about Saddam's execution and use the word "hung" instead of "hanged". But so far all we can do is wait. Fortunately, this penis joke will be so good that someone we don't know at all has decided to start selling T-shirts based on it.

Get one for all your friends today!

Bush's privacy panel really fucking serious about privacy

From wired:

The first public meeting of a Bush administration "civil liberties protection panel" had a surreal quality to it, as the five-member board refused to answer any questions from the press, and stonewalled privacy advocates and academics on key questions about domestic spying.

Whew! We feel better already!

Right Wing News: Andrew Sullivan swings for both teams, decidedly annoying

The 2006 Warblogger Awards just came out (I'm sure you were waiting at the edges of your seats!). It's not really remarkable, they think that Michelle Malkin provides some of the best original content, when her blog seems to us to just be a bunch of blockquotes, except for the fact that Andrew Sullivan at the Daily Dish was rated the most annoying right-wing blogger and the second-most annoying left-wing blogger.

What? His obsessiveness on petty issues and then giving them immature names (like, most recently, "Mormon undies" and "gay peepees") is not endearing?

What's non-ironically surprising is that they can't decide if he's a conservative or a liberal. The man is a self-described libertarian who wrote a book with the word conservative in the title (and not in the conquer-and-destroy way, the I'm-proud-that-I'm-one way) and loves big pharma and hates non-discrimination laws, and that's all just from today.

Best AFA ActionAlert ever

Just in time for the holiday Christmas season, the AFA is bringing you an awesome ActionAlert. The target this time: Hollywood (read: Jews and gays).

It's about Charlie Sheen's character singing Joy to the World with these hilarious lyrics instead:

“Joy to the world, I’m getting laid; I’m getting laid tonight. We’ll light the yule log, deck the halls, and then we’ll play some jingle balls. It’s been a real long wait – this is our second date! It’s Christmas Eve and I’m getting laid.”

This joke is so lame that the AFA calls it "bigotry", in much the same way that a long road trip can feel like "genocide" or future Brownback filibusters will be a "war crime".

Drunk as a duck, a very, very sad duck

We're sure that at this point everyone's heard that Mallard Fillmore cartoonist Ed Tinsley has been arrested for a DUI. More importantly we learned that he's a Hoosier.

Still going....

The poll is still up. Is there a chance that whoever's in charge of that over there is somehow unable to think about about anything besides the midterms and The L-Word? And why do they still have a column about World Pride up from June?

Malkin to Rosie: "Can't we just get along? And can't your people just die?"

Michelle "PC Chief of Police" Malkin takes aim at Rosie "Founder, Leader, and Center of Leftist Politics" O'Donnell's Chinese performance on The "We Would Watch It If The Price is Right Weren't So Much More Entertaining" View. Watch the clip here:



While she's no Michael Richards, "The Female Robin Williams" even managed to offend us. Then again, we're pretty easily offended.

Malkin, on the other hand, comes away a winner by showing that a raisin of humanity lives in her cold, cold heart with a good college try at a Critical Race Theory style narrative:

I knew exactly what the third-graders who used to say the same things to me on the playground intended to do. Moronic mockery is a universal language.

(That was the longest quotation we could get before she enveloped those feelings in the darkness of her soul and descended back to petty insults. But at least she tried.)

Now while it's generally impossible to question Malkin's motives, fair-and-balanced-ness calls us to remember that she just plain doesn't like the gays.

Christmas Reading: Paged Heat

The full 104 pages of dirty Foley IMs have joined the ranks of the US Constitution and Shakespeare's plays in the land of public domain. The House Ethics Panel is a whole lot more generous than ABC in what they'll show, but you'll have to read them to actually find out (spoiler: Page #1 actually measured, but we think he started the ruler at his anus).

So who out there is going to be the first to transcribe all of the IMs from pdf to text and upload them into Nifty?

They won't stop till every non-Christian is squashed

The folks at Red State are calling up a gaggle of retailers to see what their policy is on customer greetings. Not a single one so far has said that they aren't allowing "Merry Christmas", with responses ranging from apathy to frenzied indecision. But that's not good enough:

What strikes me from these responses are the ways in which the companies genuflect in the direction of alter of “diversity.”

You see, it wouldn't be good enough if every employee of every retailer said "Merry Christmas" to every customer because this isn't about Christmas. It's about making sure that every non-Christian is reminded every time they leave their houses that they are different so that they don't get too uppity. And that's the true spirit of the season.

Justin Lookadoo, here's looking at you!

After seeing that the New Life Church's leadership proves that Protestant clergy is just as gay as Catholic, we find out that gayness among Evangelicals gets even funnier. Ex-Gay Watch warns us about some nefarious plan for Exodus International to recruit Christian kids for gay bashing, and upon following the link, we find a montage of face pics more gay than any we've seen on DList. Check it out here.

We're interested in this Justin Lookadoo, motivational speaker and author of like 100 books about teen dating. Do visit his page. We learned a lot of things there, like:

• He's from El Paso, and he considers living in Mexico his "coolest experience"
  
  
• He has "closet friends", either friends who are in the closet or from when he was in the closet
  
  
• Two of his favorite singers are totally gay
  
  
• He has make-up tips for girls, and calls Cristina Aguilera "trasky"... Cat fight!
  
  
• He faces the day ass-first
  
  
• He has a "he male strut which works on the women", he wants to be one of the Village People, he's riding an imaginary bull and slapping it's ass.... God, we can't point out the gay subtext and make it funny when it's a gay super-text. Come out already!
  

God joins War on Christmas, and so does the wind

Apparently this has gone too far:

Also on Monument Circle, a nativity scene on the lawn of Christ Church Cathedral was damaged by Friday's strong winds.

We can't possibly keep up with the entire War on Christmas, but we really thought we could count on God and Bill O'Reilly to be on Christmas's side.

The gods smile on those who use lube

This column on the AFA's webpage calls anyone crazy who doesn't buy into "classical values". Of course, Brian Fahling doesn't seem to realize that "classical" generally refers to Hellenic Greece and Imperialistic Rome, and from what we remember of ninth-grade history and the Symposium, they meant orgies, gay gay gay sex with boys, and vomitoriums. These are the people whose contributions to American culture include going Greek and Roman coffee.

The Quebecois are really weird

Parti Quebecois leader Andre Boisclair appeared in a political parody of Brokeback Mountain:

In the sketch, the Canadian prime minister and the U.S. president are portrayed naked from the waist up in a tent. Images of their faces are attached to actors' bodies. Bush at one point throws cherries at Harper's nipples which are covered with whipped cream. After the cherries land on the nipples, Boisclair is seen opening the tent flap and saying that Quebec isn't getting involved in that.

This might be some of that really weird allegorical French film, like the whipped cream represents free-trade agreements between the US and Canada, and the cherries have something to do with the war in Afganistan....

Or maybe the joke is that Boisclair's name starts with the French word for "wood".

Breaking: Midterms happening in 2006

We occasionally take breaks from our usual silent dismay at Planetout.com's existence to make fun of issues in the page's design. We know that they have trouble updating the webpage (don't they still have that column about Mel Gibson's anti-Semitic comments up?), but this crosses some line of decency that even we wouldn't think of crossing. This screenshot was taken five minutes ago.

Or maybe the message is about 2010. In that case, our answer is "negative", it can only get worse when the Nebulan X-3000 party takes over, because the Democrats will have already passed a law requiring every Kindergartener to get gay-marriaged. Or something like that.

And the battle rages on...

And we beat all the conservative pundits we follow to this story. A Colorado woman put up a peace-sign wreath and the neighborhood association president is trying to get her to take it down. That's right: Christmas is banned in Pagosa Springs.

OK, conservative online pundits, you can now link to my blog and tell everyone about this, the latest battle in the War on Christmas.

Because we eat a lot of sea-men?

Wow, this group is crazy. We couldn't pick an article to link to here, because they're all insane, until we found this one, about being insane. Here's a bit:

Consider some of the outlandish things sex addicts think and do: [...]S & M, B&D, self-asphyxiation, weird fetishes, cannibalism and so on.

(For this Steve Gallagher, "sex addict" refers to anyone who doesn't engage exclusively in missionary-position heterosexual sex with his or her spouse).

We're wondering what acts of depravity could possibly be included in "and so on", considering that cannibalism seems about as far as one can go. Whatever it is, these folks have thought about it and are probably doing it with a high-priced call-boy.

AFA: Boycott the Jews at Best Buy

We mentioned the War on Christmas started before Thanksgiving, and now it's on. The ineffective boycott aficionados at the AFA issued an "ActionAlert" to tell people to stop buying their whatever it is that those folks would buy (copies of The Passion of the Christ?) at Best Buy. Apparently someone not saying "Merry Christmas" is the same as that person banning it, and banning it is the same thing as banning Christians, and banning Christians means that they are universally oppressed, by, let's say, the Jews. Woot!

Decision 2006 v. 1.10 over, revving up for 2008

Well, the Hoyer vs. Murtha match ended with a fizzle. And it's just as well, we were holding on for the off-chance that there would be come conflict or drama when obviously there wasn't going to be any.

But what's better, much better, is that Alex Castellanos just got hired by Mitt Romney. This is the guy in charge of those crazy subliminal prescription drug ads against Gore and one that involved a pair of white hands tearing up a letter because a Black just stole his job. Since we don't think that Romney has much of a chance actually winning the primary, considering what the Christian Right thinks about Mormons, we think this is a definite sign that we'll see Romney go down kicking and screaming, running hilarious ads about his fellow GOP primary candidates.

Harry Reid: Bipartisanship carries a risk of sodomy, restless hearts, inability to quit others

AP, via Breitbart.com:

"He's a Republican, I'm a Democrat, we work together on issues that are important to the state of Nevada. And I wish other people had the same nonaggression pact we have," Reid told reporters. "It's not a 'Brokeback Mountain' situation," he added, referring to last year's film about two gay cowboy lovers.

You heard it from the soon-to-be Senate Majority Leader himself: working with someone to stop the dumping of nuclear waste in Yucca Mountain can easily be confused with anal sex.

Maybe that's why they didn't go to Iraq....

A porn magazine just told us that over 263,000 civil unions (both gay and straight) have happened in France since they started in 1999. The divorce rate for these is 13%. They also found that the number of civil unions quadrupled from 2001 to 2006.

Pastor Ted's rehab will be unbearably annoying

From the Agape Press

:In the new church or ministry environment, Wickman explains, a pastor is provided with service opportunities, accountability and other "things that he's used to," in a setting "where he can agonize in front of people that are sympathetic and understanding."

Riiiiiight.... Because he's so used to accountability.

We're still hoping for something that we're more familiar with when it comes to rehab, like freakouts, eating without sharp objects, and weekend romance. As is par for course with Agape Press, the article reluctantly provides a little bit of truth:

"And to be called of God and to have no place to go is agonizing," Wickman adds. And this is true "particularly for his wife," he notes, "whom we have found always takes longer to recover than the husband."

What? Mrs. Pastor Ted isn't going to have fun ex-gaying her husband and then spending the rest of her life with a closeted nelly with an affinity for the crystal meth?

We're going to have that chorus stuck in our heads all day...

This seems completely legit, but apparently the best reason that the Libertarians can come up with to vote for them is to "try something new". Really, they ran on an argument that equally applied to the Greens, Socialists, Communists, Legalize Marijuana people, Constitution Party, and, hell, the Democrats.

But do watch. They put a lot of work into using every Powerpoint transition in one three-minute Lil' Nuke video.

More page fun...

From the great state of South Dakota, South Dakota senator Dan Sutton, who was accused of "sexually groping" an 18-year-old page, has just resigned.

And not just any page, a BOY page!

We're wondering if there is any kind of groping that's non-sexual, but not so much as we're wondering why hot 16-18-year-old boys and girls are kept near some of the most sexually repressed men in America who's job is apparently an aphrodisiac for child sex.

South Africa passes same-sex marriage legislation

Read about it from 365gay.com or from the AP via cnn.com.

The countdown begins until the POGA picks up this story. It took two days for the recent New Jersey courst ruling to become the top story there, even being beaten by Agape Press. With the time zone difference, we're expecting the POGA to mention something about this next Thursday.

State Department thinks that the US has human rights credibility in Vietnam

From the AFP.

Gay replaced by anti-gay

Ken Mehlman's out as RNC chair, and Mel Martinez is in. The Advocate had this to say about him:

- He scored a 0 on the Human Rights Campaign 2006 scorecard measuring support for equality and fairness in the 109th Congress.
- He is an ardent supporter and cosponsor of the antigay Federal Marriage Amendment.
- Martinez has been on the record opposing Republican senator John McCain’s states' rights stance on the marriage issue, saying, “It isn't good enough to say, 'Leave it up to the states. If we leave it up to the states, we will see the erosion of marriage that we've seen by activist courts, which we otherwise will not see if we protect the institution of marriage at the federal level.”
- He attacked his 2004 Republican primary opponent for supporting hate-crimes legislation, accusing him of catering to the “radical homosexual lobby.”
- He ran a 2004 campaign that was so antigay and divisive that Florida governor Jeb Bush called on him to stop the attacks. As a result of his tactics, the St. Petersburg Times revoked its endorsement after Menendez sent a mailer against his opponent calling him “the new darling of the homosexual extremists.”

The pro-gay GOP days are over now that the gay godfather is out, and the Republicans can do what they do best: demonize the gays and do jack taco in Congress.

Well, I suppose since you asked twice...

Decision 2006, version 1.10

Well, if you didn't get enough of the midterms, you can get all excited about the House and Senate leadership elections coming up. Sure, there won't be as much partisan cat-fighting, no advertising, and you don't get a vote, but there'll be numbers and graphs and endorsements and maybe some of Charles Gibson's and George Stephanapolis's Tweedle-Dee/Tweedle-Dum "analysis", and that's what the spirit of an election is really about, right?
While no one seems to oppose Pelosi's Iron Fist for Speaker, two wonderfully eligible gentlemen have thrown their hats into the ring, John Murtha and Stecy Hoyer. Hoyer says that he has the votes right now, but Murtha has Pelosi's support. With all the issues that could come into play, like fund raising ability, telegenics, and, uhhhh, work ethic, we all know that this will be decided byone thing: the HRC score that they received for their work during the 109th Congress.

We'll save you the time it takes to mosey on over to the HRC and find it and just give it to you: Murtha got a 66 (17/33 in previous Congresses) and Hoyer an 88 (100/100 in previous Congresses). Murtha earned that 66 by opposing the anti-gay marriage Constitutional Amendment and half-heartedly supporting adding LGBT folk to pretty much ineffective federal hate crimes legislation, and Hoyers lost 12 points for helping keep Don't Ask, Don't Tell around. Murtha must be kicking himself in the pants now!

This Week in Pink: Do we question gay escorts' sexualities? Oh, yes, we do.

It seems like the gays only want to talk about being gay, acting gay, loving gay, and other gays. And that's OK with us, because it gives us something to round up at the end of the week for you. Here are what we thought were some memorable posts by gay bloggers this week:

• America's now-eclipsed favorite gay escort Jeff Gannon actually makes a point we agree with, that Pastor Ted going into gay rehab won't help other queer folk, but leaves us wondering if Jeff himself is actually gay. Too bad he doesn't allow comments on his blog anymore so we can ask.
  
  
• Andrew Sullivan, in a shocking post, engages in a little shameless self promotion. We give the attempt 4 out of 5 pizza slices; we wanted a nude pic.
  
  
• The good folks at Proceed at Your Own Risk took a break from showing semi-pornographic pics to chide Pastor Ted's ouster Mike Post for breaking the Call Boy Code of Ethics, and they even brought in a guest expert.
  
  
• The queerty kids remind us what this week's elections were really about: Mark Foley.
  
  
• And Pam Spaulding lays out the homosexual agenda for the next two years on the Hill. Long and short of it: she doesn't think that homophobia's gone.
  

Why pay $25,000 and $200/hour when Gay.com is free?

Rev. Louis Sheldon is telling The Jewish Week that he knew about Pastor Ted's love of manly massages long before Mike Post put the "tell" in "kiss and tell":

Sheldon disclosed that he and “a lot” of others knew about Haggard’s homosexuality “for awhile ... but we weren’t sure just how to deal with it. Months before a male prostitute publicly revealed Haggard’s secret relationship with him, and the reverend’s drug use as well, “Ted and I had a discussion,” explained Sheldon, who said Haggard gave him a telltale signal then: “He said homosexuality is genetic. I said, no it isn’t. But I just knew he was covering up. They need to say that.”

Remember, this Louis Sheldon who kept Pastor Ted's Love-of-Men on the d-l while publicly opposing married men's fundamental human right to have sex with hot male prostitutes and then do meth is the same Louis Sheldon who worked against banning internet gambling for at least $25,000 while publicly opposing gambling. We want to know how much that cost Pastor Ted, and if his could be the most expensive trips to the local call-boy ever in Colorado.

And since we were slacking all day eating French cheese, drinking diet soda, and generally being liberals, here are other people who got this much sooner than we did and had more intelligent things to say about it: Andrew Sullivan, John Aravosis, Pam Spaulding, and, let's say, a goat.

Things that make you go Awwwwwwww

On the POGA:

[NGLTF exec. director] Foreman [...] pointed to the defeat of anti-abortion ballot measures and to a failed attempt to ban same-sex marriage in Arizona as signs of gay success at the polls. Seven other states voted to approve constitutional amendments to ban same-sex marriage: Colorado, Idaho, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Virginia and Wisconsin. Similar amendments have passed previously in all 20 states that considered them. But Foreman said there was still progress because the bans succeeded by narrower margins.

One thing we can't say about the gay activists is that they're spoiled. This movement's pluck, gumption, and other 1920's qualities are refreshing after looking at what that Christian rights movement has become.

BREAKING: SOMETHING NOT LIKE A PENIS AT ALL MAKES A GAY MAN THINK OF A PENIS

Or something like that.

I once went out with a guy who called his penis “Jackson.” Out of nowhere, he’d say, “Jackson likes this,” or “Jackson likes that,” as if the appendage were actually a separate entity. It didn’t take long for Jackson, his handler, and me to part company, and not just because I wasn’t interested in three-ways. Jackson was the only part of him that wasn’t ashamed to be gay. I thought of Jackson when evangelical leader Ted Haggard and his three-year relationship with a gay hooker made the headlines.

Actually, the column is a pretty good read. We whole-heartedly agree that Pastor Ted should be welcomed with more than open arms into the gay community.

Love the sin, hate the sinner

In coming to terms with the midterms, Jonah Goldberg produced this little gem for the NRO:

It's also true that the Iraq war is unpopular; that's because it's not going swimmingly. If it were otherwise, Iraq would be a political boon to the GOP. Now, you might say, "Yeah, and except for the brief unpleasantness, Mrs. Lincoln had a wonderful time at the theater." But it is not the conservative position to botch wars. And contrary to the slanderous codswallop you've heard for the last year, conservative principles do not require flooding New Orleans.

And we think: abso-fuckin'-lutely! You see, being conservative means doing good things, so when politicians don't do good things, they're not being conservative! This works even better when the word "conservative" is replaced by pretty much anything else, like "genteel", "delicious", or "horny". Go on, try it.

Lame jokes we couldn't resist

Headline at the AFA webpage today:

Supremes Hear Arguments in Partial-Birth Abortion Ban Cases

We're not going to let the AFA off the hook for trying to make up slang so very badly. We're going to think about Chief Justice Ross asking a right-wing lawyer why a woman's right to control her own body should be ignored in song.

Also, the kids have given me membership. I can now refer to the good people at Q-Bomb in the first person.

Would somebody please tell the kids how to get in?

Apparently, we gays took down George Allen. And I speak for the good people at Q-Bomb when I say that they are very, very proud. Apparently there is "a network of homosexual GOP staffers on Capitol Hill who promote policies antithetical to the party’s stated 'family values.'" The kids prefer to think of it as a mafia instead of a network, mainly because of the success of The Sopranos.

And this gay mafia has to be absolutely impotent, because the kind of mafia we're all familiar would have gays marrying in the Capitol Rotunda, instead of, you know, excluded from the political process. But the kids still want to know how to get in.

And here's their favorite part:

LaBarbera also called on all homosexual staff in both major parties to be open about their lifestyle in the interest of full disclosure to the public and each Member’s constituents.

As in: "Come out, come out, and let us tar and feather you."

Is it already that time of year?

The battle lines are being drawn in the War on Christmas. Last year the kids here thought that it was just anti-Semitism in a prom dress, but there's nothing WalMart won't try to get a few more shoppers.

This year's enemy: Best Buy. Those electronic Scrooges seem to think that it's "important" to "respect" the "several holidays throughout that time period". Don't worry, the kids here will deliver the blow-by-blow on the 2006 battle, keeping you in the know so you can impress your friends at holiday Christmas parties with anti-Semitic conspiracy theories.

To procrastinate: Buying an annulment dress

Man, they dodged that bullet. The Massacusetts State Assembly has decided to put off voting on a Constitutional Amendment to ban gay marriage, so it can't be voted on until 2010 at the soonest. And really, the kids are happy. Not that any of them are married in the Bay State (hell, they make a one-night stand seem like a long-term commitment); they just don't want Artur Finkelstein back on the market. Can you imagine running into the most Machiavellian GOP consultant at a leather bar? *awkward*

OMG! Doogie Howser is gay!

With pretty much anybody who's anybody being flung out of the closet, it's not surprising that everyone's favorite fictional teen doctor has jumped on the bandwagon. Doogie Howser, M.D., (his real name is apparently Neil Patrick Harris) is gay, gay, gay.

His new show, How I Met your Mother, is even more uncomfortably heterosexual than his first. Harris plays Barney Stinson, a single 30-something looking for true love. *yawn* While the kids don't disapprove, because How I Met your Mother is far too meek to provide anything to disapprove of, they still prefer Harris as the Foley wet dream of the 80's.

The kids hope that this news will stop the hundreds of Nifty.org stories that would have portrayed Harris as a straight teen doctor discovering his gay sex.

Legitimate news source: Hot bottom off the market

Damn, they're kicking themselves in the pants right now. The kids at Q-Bomb were too slow on the uptake to grab the meal ticket while the getting was good. Ted Haggard has said gone into rehab, according to the CO Springs Gazette. It's not the good kind that treats people who compulsively waste crystal meth, but the bad kind that tries to make men out of nancy-boys.

So it seems like the the only guy who will get to tap that evangelical ass is Mike Post.

Q-Bomb launched! No one rejoices...

After the midterms, the kids down at Q-Bomb thought it necessary to start a blog, which they hope will be viewed by archeologists one day as the voice of the average American in 2006. Basically, that's their one and only goal: to mess with the same history majors who didn't want to party with them in college.

Visiting Q-Bomb for the first time, you may think that the name is a reference to The Mouse that Roared, which they've been told is a really, really old movie. Don't worry, they've never even seen a non-pornographic film from before 1997. It's really just the result of getting bored in front of the blogger registration screen after they found out that every anal sex reference was already taken.